*The following is a compilation of diary entries from a girl I used to know. This will be a series of blog entries recounting her emotional journey on paper as she writes passionately about the most painful heartache she has endured in her young life.*

Entry #1

July 16, 20__

Wednesday

So this is how it feels to finally start falling out of love for someone:

You don’t think of him…

You seem to have less problems…

You start to care less…

Yes, I am falling out of love for ______. The details would have to wait because writing about them would just give me license to tear my own heart into a million pieces.

Why, do you ask, does it matter if I do?

I’ve fallen out of love before, but it never came to a point where it bothered me too much. Well, if I’m being honest, it’s because this is a very different case compared to the others.

For instance, I fell in love with a boy who I never got the chance to get really close to. We didn’t really establish an intimate friendship. When we drifted apart and I started to see him less, I dunno, the feelings sort of fled away with him. Unnoticed. Ignored. Just like how he used to treat me.

There’s another boy I fell in love with. He’s much older than I am. This time, we were much closer. We held conversations about life and our dreams. However, when he graduated, and he went away from school, I guess the feelings sort of went away with him too.

And there’s this boy who I knew fell in love with me and I guess, for a time, I loved him too, but I never realized it until he was gone. You see, I don’t think he actually really knew my name. Or even if he did, he doesn’t know a lot about me. I only knew about how he liked me through other people. Then, just like the others, he went away. I think if I gave him enough of a chance, I would’ve fallen for him. But before I could even consider, he was gone.

But this time, I am in love with a boy. Not just any other boy. He’s my best friend.

Sort of.

That’s why it’s hard to write about him and how I think I am falling out of love for him because he’s so much different than the others. I have actually been emotionally attached to him and it took me a while to acknowledge the jittery falling-in-love-feeling towards him and I guess, it’s too soon for it to wan. I have not yet completely absorbed the wondrous emotion but I now find myself wanting to let go before it consumed me to a level that I won’t be able to handle.

He’s ahead of the others because:

· He’s a close friend.

· He shows me he cares.

· We talk about tons of stuff and we never run out of things to talk to.

· I’m comfortable around him.

· He’s just perfect.

And there’s a lot of other things about him which makes me so happy, I couldn’t even begin to think about where I should start.

You want to know why it hurts so much?

It’s because he’s the closest to my heart.

And for the past few weeks, we are drifting apart. I’m clueless about what went wrong. I have noticed that he seemed to have hung out with other people lately. Girls, especially. I guess I’m pretty jealous because he’s spending too much time with them and he seems to have less time for me.

I think that’s the downfall of being too possessive about friends. With just one indication that clues you in about their closeness with someone else, you begin to think there’s a gap forming between you.

It SUCKS.

You’d think falling out of love for someone is easy; sometimes a relief.

No more sleepless nights.

No more dreams about him.

No more fantasies.

But who would’ve thought it could hurt as much?

I don’t want to lose him. I really don’t. He owns my heart.