Spread Your Wings and Fly Away: Insights

Showing posts with label Insights. Show all posts

Forever Alone

I haven't written anything in here in a long time. Maybe it's because since I've discovered Tumblr (it is the easiest way to blog, after all), I have momentarily forgotten about this small space of mine where I used to write all the things that matter to me. But then again, I have still kept this one because I feel like this is the place where I can write about the more serious stuff going on in my life, since I believe anyone rarely goes here to read my thoughts anyway. Ironic but, even though it's open for everyone to see, it serves more of a private diary to me, the one I can keep locked with a key, the way I used to do as a young girl of twelve.

So I'm back.

I have learned to accept probably just a few short weeks ago, that the only way to really deal (and get over with) your life's drama is to come clean and say it out loud--because the truth will always set you free, won't it? And I have finally come to terms with myself, that the best way to finally get past this stance is for me to be honest and say it like it is, instead of waiting for myself to run out of excuses just so I could make up another blunder of a reason to cover up the previous one.

Here goes:

I think, that the cause of all my hidden grief is due to the fact that I haven't tried hard enough. Hence, here I am, all mopey about how up until this point, I am jobless.

There. I was able to admit it.

Just so you know, this is hard for me to do, because I'm usually the girl who puts up a strong front for everyone. I'm not one to be asking for pity, and I absolutely hate it when people hover especially when I'm going through a rough phase in my life. I guess that's also the main thing that makes it so easy for me to pick on other people and start petty fights. I want the attention to be brought to someone else, so that I won't have to think about my own obstacles too much.

But it's not like I haven't tried. Trust me, I have. If finding the right job was like going to the gym on a regular basis, I would be fifty pounds lighter as we speak. But like those adolescent girls in teen flicks we love so much, no matter how skinny I think I have become, it would never even be remotely close to 'good' enough because someone out there is certainly prettier or skinnier or more awesome than I am. That's the point. It's never enough. And like something my college professor told us, 'It's not the effort that counts. It's the results that do.'

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times my parents have offered to help, as they have always (and I mean always) given me options for career paths I should take, or job vacancies I can apply for, or giving me websites I can check out so it can guide me about what I can do in life. My answer had always been the same. It's a toss up of either 'Thanks. I'll check it out tomorrow' or 'Okay. I will go through it', but I never had. Well, sometimes I did, but most of the time I procrastinated until I totally forget about what they were saying.

I feel so guilty about doing that to my parents because I know they want me to succeed in life. They have told me over and over again that it was alright for me to be out of work, but really, how old can a person get before he/she finally gets fatigued enough to decide it's about time they retire? And like most Filipino children, my dream is to ultimately give them a good life in return, the one where they can just sit out at our front porch and not worry about paying the bills or sending my other siblings to school because I'll be the one to take care of things. What child doesn't want that, right?

So, what, you may ask, am I doing about it?

Well, I don't think you'd be surprised to hear this, but I'll tell you straight off the bat that, I have done absolutely nothing to get out of this piteous predicament.

And maybe that's where the difficulty lies--it is my lack of enthusiasm to reach for what I have always wanted that's keeping me here in the first place.

For most of the past year that I've been out of school, I have enjoyed the freedom. Maybe more so than what is expected. And I've become too attached to just being phase-less that my original spark has flown out of the window completely. Yet, I still know what I want to happen in my life. I do. I still do. All I need is a stepping stone for me to get there, but then we'd go back to nothing because I haven't taken the risk of at least trying to get there.

It's sad that all these people I know are already starting their first week at work when they haven't received their diplomas yet, or getting their pay checks, their promotions and all, and here I am still living off mommy and daddy's money like a useless piece of charity case.

You have absolutely no idea how many effing times I've silently cried about this over the past year. You have no idea what it feels like to have a challenge-less routine every single day while the rest of the world seems like a whole bunch of productive beings who has everything going for them. You have no idea how sad I become every night before I go to bed while I think about what I've done for the day, which is basically nothing but to be, well, a bum. No one knows that I have all these troubled thoughts in my head that seem to overlap all at the same time, wanting to be noticed.

No one knows because, well, I don't tell anyone. And I prefer it that way, 'coz I'd rather suffer on my own than to suck another person in this suck fest. I have come to accept that no one will listen anyway, because everyone but me is busy with their lives, and that troubling them with my lame problems would mean asking them to stop a moment of theirs to hear me out. And that is just beyond me. I don't like taking up other people's time; I don't like it when I become an inconvenience to them.

A few minutes before I started writing this out, I was inhaling a cigarette and summoning all the courage to have a good cry but I found that I couldn't. The tears have dried up. I've poured them all out in those lonely months of solace.

What scares me the most right now, after I'm done with this, I'll probably be in bed thinking again about sad thoughts and I'd be back to square one.

A Friendly Advice

In response to last night's more somber post, a great person told me:

"Nothing worth it is ever easy."

I woke up today and realized that whilst others scorn the motives of your ways, it is entirely up to you to become a good person even though they tell you to stop.

Thank you God for continuously surrounding me with good, kind hearted people who knows what to say and when to say it.:)

Pivotal

A sad thought:

Regret comes--

--when you think you've done the right thing, only to find out mere moments later that everything will only backfire on you.

And contrary to popular belief, it doesn't take shape after you've eaten a gallon of ice cream nor after losing your virginity to someone you don't love.

...

Twisted analogy, I know. But tonight I want to write about regrets.

I usually don't make a habit of doing things that I know will make me feel better even if I don't want to, but this is one of those days when I wish I just didn't open my mouth AT ALL, let alone entertain the thought of wanting to make things right in the first place just because I'm SUCH a good person.

Sometimes, the isolation can prove to be such a bitch. I'd like to think that the only reason I'm on such a Mother Theresa-ish mood is because I have this longing to go back in actual society where people really interact and not wait for divine intervention to keep things going.

For a moment I made myself believe that trying my best to let my ego down will reap good things for me. Apparently, it's what other people try to shower that seed of humility with that makes or breaks the end product. It's so upsetting how selfish others can get when you so obviously try to renew your ways to make everybody happy.

Sometimes, doing the right thing hurts. And sucks.

And it's funny how feelings and perspectives change in 24 hours.

Eventful? Nah.

When you're a blogger and you've been away from your online diary for almost a month, the prospect of writing again and sharing a month's worth of happenings, non-happenings and insights gives you a thrill like no other.

Allow me to begin by going on the record in terms of my post-graduation status: I'm still unemployed! Well, I'm not particularly proud of being err, a liability to society, however, the manpower neccesities of companies which offer opportunities for fresh (okay, not-so-fresh) graduates like me prove to be rare these days. And it pains me a great deal knowing that I have all the potential and willpower in the world, yet it seems that as of late, the corporate world is too crowded--crowded enough that they don't even want to consider a young woman of my credentials and spunk. But it's fine by me, as long as someone calls soon enough, I'm pretty chill being chill.

From one tragedy to another and yet another

For most of you who has been in the know, August 2010 has been, by far, the most tragic month not just for some people, but for the country as well. Fatal road accidents (most of them due to reckless driving by public bus drivers, no less) has indeed brought great sadness and pain for the families of those whose lives were taken unfairly from them. The most heartbreaking of them all had been Ate Mel's untimely passing last August 21. But of course, we can't overlook the other accidents as well, especially that one in Marcos Highway in Baguio that claimed the lives of many people.

It's a sad fate, to leave this earth due to someone else's carelessness and rashness, but how this saying goes still holds true: If it's your time to go, it's time to go. I think I've mentioned this before but let me say it again: Life, after all, has only one goal and it is death. On the brighter side of things, the afterlife is something to look forward to simply because it's a promise of paradise. Well, depending on how you lived your earthly life, that is.

Anyway, barely two days after most of us were coping from the death of Ate Mel, a more pressing tragedy that involves national concern fell upon our country--that bloody hostage taking in Manila where one man crying for justice took the law on his own hands and killed eight Hong Kong tourists when government involvement and measures didn't seem enough.

Much has been said, much is still being said and there will still be tons to be said in this fiasco that has happened in our country. And I no longer wish to put a sour note on this terrible incident because 1.) I am going against my word of honor and the loyalty I have sworn for for our president if I criticize it point by point, 2.) Discussing what my real opinion is would just be a pain in the butt and 3.) Well, what's there left to say anyway?

I shall keep my unbiased take on the situation instead: I don't care about the reputation of our country nor do I give a rabbit's sh*t about how greatly or poorly our government has responded to it and if people think it's good enough. All we need to do, honestly, is to move on and do our part to pick up the pieces and clean the wounds that this tragedy has given us. After all, we Filipinos are known for sticking together in times like these.

And August is definitely a month of sorrow, because as it ended, the heavens has yet again opened its gates for the late Mr. Joe Garcia, who had been our Scriptwriting and Radio Production professor for two semesters back in our Junior year in college. He died because of bone cancer, but it was only the secondary cause. Apparently, he also had lung cancer, but the cells metastasized in a way that it lead to the other disease. Once again, cancer has proven to be such a bitch. Thank you very much for claiming the lives of the good souls on earth.

You will be missed, Sir Joe! May your soul rest in peace.

But I'm so glad that August is over, and I'm looking forward to another new (safe) chapter in our lives.

Interview failure?

So earlier this month, I really had my hopes up about employment because one of the companies I applied in called me up and asked if I could come for an interview. And so I did. So I prepared for it big time (mom even got me new clothes, I had my nails and eyebrows done, that kind of prepared thing), then I showed up fresh and very excited for the interview. I even went through the trouble of researching and reviewing what I know of media planning just so I wouldn't sound or look too dumb when she interviews me, and I even wrote a 5-paragraph essay about myself and how it would be such a bust for them not to hire me. Okay, maybe you can scratch that part.

Anyway, so during the half-hour long interview,(or had it been an hour long? I couldn't tell, I wasn't exactly keeping a close watch) I think I've been charming and polite and very much espoused who I was in everything that I said. However, every cloud with a silver lining always has to have a rain cloud waiting to happen behind it.

This is pretty dumb and embarrassing to admit, but when she asked me if I knew a thing or two about softwares like Microsoft Office, etc. I smiled sheepishly and specifically avoided saying that I am very bad at MS Excel by saying, "Well, I do excellently with Word and Powerpoint." She was very kind and I could see that she was hiding a laugh at my discomfort and knew more or less that I was trying to hide something so she said, "Yes, I'm sure. Because you used a lot of presentations during college, right? But what about Excel? How far do you fare in it?"

I swear to God that I can almost hear the crickets while I tried to come up with a clever answer without giving myself away. Eventually, I gave up trying to impress her and just said, "Actually, that's one thing I'm very bad at. I think I know what it is, but I kinda forgot how to do the basics." (insert giggle and eyelash batting here.)

After I revealed that, it was the only time in our conversation that I actually saw her level me with a look and write down something that I think was a negative about me. Oh well, I said to myself, there goes my dream of finally not feeling like a loser when everyone else has earned their millionth paycheck or something. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes and...okay. I think it's getting too over dramatic. I should stop that.

Moving on, my interviewer proceeded by saying that knowledge in Excel is kind of a big thing in the job description (to which, I interrupted her by saying, "Oh I am a very quick study, though. So you don't need to worry about anything."), and that I'll be using a lot of math and numbers...

Hold on, I wanted to tell her, numbers?! Math? Woman, there's a good reason why I avoided taking up a course that didn't involve much of those crazy computations, and that's why I graduated with a degree in Communications.

But being the champ that I am, I tried to keep a steady face and pretended I was still very much engaged with what she was saying but at the back of my mind, I was picturing myself asking to be excused so I may use the restroom but I actually sneak out of the building altogether, while I run away from it, screaming. For five minutes.

The next thing I knew, she lead me to a private room and handed me a piece of paper while she explained the instructions of what I ought to do--gasp--in EXCEL. It was a sort of battery test, and I even tried to look smart by clarifying a few things. Then, I was doing it whether I liked it or not. Haha. The next few happenings, I won't disclose anymore. They're too painful to recall. All I know was that I never want to experience anything like it ever again.

Why do I have to be one of those girls who used to ignore some of her lessons when she was still in school? I swear, it's like a premeditation of what''s yet to come. Why oh why didn't I pay more attention to my teachers when I can?!

So now, I spent the last few weeks regretting being that very neglectful student I used to be, and found myself attending special Excel101 classes (like I'm such a dumb b*tch) for the next four Saturdays at my mother's insistence. But I'm liking it. So far.

However, I walked out of that experience with a few lessons learned:

Never appear and sound cocky on interviews. It can totally backfire on you when you give your interviewer the impression that you know everything.
Excel should've been my best friend when I was still studying. And not MS Word.
I don't think Media Planning is such an excellent career path for me.

Because RACISM spoken in any language, is still vile and cruel and dumb

If there's anything utterly memorable that has happened to me in this entire jobless exile of mine is that one silly incident at the airport (NAIA Terminal 3) around three weeks ago. My dad and I were bound to head back to Bicol, and while we were waiting at the check in line for the Cebu Pacific Legaspi flight, there were these two tall foreign dudes arguing with the small (obviously gay) receptionist by the next line. I didn't really get a gist of what was going on, I mean, after all, it was around 5.30am that day and I barely slept, so I was in a cranky mood (but still eavesdropping), but I had a pretty good grasp of what went down.

Apparently, these two douche bags were also headed to Legaspi, but since the line was pretty long, they wanted to hurry things up by insisting that they board via the Iloilo counter. Anyone in the right mind would know that a.) when you're flight is supposed to be checked in at this counter, you're supposed to fall in line like everyone else and not expect to b.) have special attention or privileges just because you're a guest in our country. So that was what the rather impatient looking guy from the other counter was trying to point out to them.

So they fell in line behind me and my dad and I was pretty sure that I heard them bantering in a language that sounded a lot like German and I caught a few words like "idiot" and "Filipinos" and a bunch of other stuff that sounded so vile, it made my ears bleed. Well, I didn't understand at least half of what they said, but judging by the way they were speaking, boy they were far from kind, I was sure. But I let that pass, because I knew for a fact that they were just being stupid.

I was looking at them via my peripheral view and after a moment's silence and they seemed to have finally shut up, I heard one of them say, "He's so gay" when the guy at the counter tried to rat them off to his supervisor. That was when I quickly whipped my head around and gave them the meanest glare I could ever come up with and looked at them so rudely, it almost made the heat from the earth's core incinerate their sorry asses.

It's one thing to talk about my fellow Filipinos while you're in our country, and blatantly insult our capabilities even if you're saying it in a language that we might not understand, but calling my countrymen names, (those most insulting and degrading of them all) is another thing--it's borderline death in my book, if you ask me. I just hated his guts so much that I almost imagined myself attacking him and slapping him so hard, it would've made his Nazi ancestors so dizzy, but I looked around and saw about five security men just a good distance away and I realized that it won't be worth it.

So I chickened out from my original violent intents, and the next best thing I wanted to do was to tell them off, but I remembered that I was with my dad and I hated having him involved in my tendency to be all over other people's cases. He was gonna get mad at me for sure, so I just glared at them, as if communicating a silent, "This is the only way I can show you I want to kill you without getting arrested."

I am still very ticked off every time I remember that airport incident. I mean, people may be used to being called stupid or gay or queer or dumb or whatever, because it happens all the time, but it doesn't make it alright.

I swear, when I get the chance to visit another country someday, I wouldn't do any of the things that those two ignorant, ugly Europeans did.

I'm a Gleek: On acceptance of Charice's gig on the show and a bunch of other realizations I never dreamt I would ever say out loud

By now, the whole world has practically seen Charice on Glee and witnessed how wonderful and awesome she had been in the first episode.

Okay, okay. I never usually take back what I say, because I always stand by what I think is my opinion, but I have to say that Charice delivered in Glee. This might be a surprising tidbit from me; after all, I was an all out hater and I was one of the handful who loathed the idea of her being on the show, but after watching her (and miraculously not cringing every time she popped up on screen like I expected I would be doing), I realized that she wasn't that bad at all and I appreciated her voice for what it truly is--just SPECTACULAR. I realized that what I hated was the fact that our local media was creating such a big deal of her being on the show. I mean, everyone knows that she's there, and everyone knows and expects she's gonna be great, so why continue hyping up her appearance??? It's already oh so overrated and redundant. I hate watching the news and seeing the same news item which was just re-worded for the late night telecast. And the morning program etc etc etc. I'm just not a fan of repetitions, that's all. So she's in the show. NEEXXTT.

But honestly, she was amazing. I could never have imagined anyone else more fit for the role or the talent required for it.

And for this past month, all I've ever been doing is watching TV, reading books, solving Sudoku puzzles (which are very addicting and therapeutic, I tell you), and I've been staying away as much as I can from the internet. I have limited my internet usage from my usual 15 hours a day to an almost 8 or 9 hours daily. My brain is less buzzed and my eyesight is no longer as bleary as it was a few months back.

As for being still out of work? Well, I'm beginning to worry, but the prospect of having this extended vacation and living off on my parents' dime (and they're totally okay with it. I think.) is something that most of the people in my batch would want to experience because I'm not yet doing overtimes or studying law or poring over work related stuff. I am a free girl and I'm loving every second of it.

It will only be a matter of time before the right opportunities come my way. I can feel it.

Good, positive vibes. I hope I was able to share some of it with you! Love love love!:)

I Graduated with Honors!--In Life Lessons

I wish to momentarily suspend the 30 day letter challenge to give way to this unexpected entry that I feel is more appropriate to write, given the circumstances and the timeliness of the situation.

Earlier this evening, I finally decided to clear out my stuff from when I was in college. (Wow. The way I just wrote the last part in that sentence made it seem like I attended college ten years ago, instead of just four months back. lol) I'm not really sure what motivated me to do it, because I've been a sloth since the day after graduation, but as the saying goes, Things happen for a reason and they certainly do, I learned.

I'm have no idea if perhaps I'm the only person who hasn't done that yet, but I figured I couldn't care any less if my friends had gotten rid of their stuff the moment after school ended forever for us.

So there I was, sitting crossed legged on the floor with my trusty mug of coffee as I listened to the raindrops outside my window while I unloaded the wooden magazine rack where I used to dump all my school stuff when I was still studying. I decided to classify my junk into two piles: one for those I shall keep, and the other one that shall head to the garbage.

As I carefully lifted stuff after stuff after stuff, I made sure that I checked what it was. If it were hand outs that I know will still be beneficial in the future, or notebooks or essays and exams I aced, it was going to go under the "keepsakes" pile. While doing this, I also took time in reading what my papers contained and I found myself smiling so many times as I marveled at the things I was able to substantiate, despite having a clear memory of me being a lazy girl and the kind of student who usually put off things for tomorrow when it came to school work.

The most memorable stuff I encountered tonight were mostly from my senior year in college. I remember doing every single script, essay or paper as if it were yesterday. And every time I saw the excellent grades my professors gave me, I made a proud smile even though no one could see me and I never really plan on showing it to anyone, even to my parents; and I silently told myself that everything had been worth it--the sleepless nights, the bags that used to permanently reside under my eyes and the hard work and effort I exerted in every single assignment just so I'd be given extra credit.

I came across tons of school reminders that brought back so much memories to me, that I shed a few unchecked tears while organizing them. Each time I picked up a paper that contained my thoughts made me remember everything that happened during the time we were required to submit that. I recalled doing scripts and papers at 4am when it was due at 8am that day; I remember feeling bad after being at odds with someone in school while typing a particular paper during the dead of the dawn and recalling how heavy my heart had been as I tried my best to finish the homework without tearing up; I find myself going back to those lonely and suffocating hours while I did everything but lose my sanity so I could finish up our Media Law final paper...

And as I saw those moments in retrospect, I realized what a strong person I was back then, to be able to endure all those, because I just sucked everything like the pro I've always been. I'm surprised that I didn't know how strong I was and I'm figuring that out just now, when I'm past all the feeling of weakness. Don't you just love how the Lord operates? When you're in a situation that just feels utterly helpless, there comes a point when suddenly, a small voice says something to you that pushes you to go on even if you don't want to hold on anymore.

I also saw how much I've grown as a person, evident in the progress of my paper's content. If I utilized average words as a Freshman, well, let's just say that my vocabulary got more and more highfalutin as I advanced a year level.

It was very entertaining, what I did a while ago. And seeing my old school stuff made me feel like a student again. But more importantly, I picked up a lot of lessons and realizations at the most random of moments as I decided to clean up my pile.

And maybe, as per past experience, I subconsciously formulated in my mind that I won't get rid off those things first because I wanted to have at least a small reminder of the past that can make me believe I underwent such difficulties so that I can prove to myself that I am more strong willed and determined than I could imagine. And when I finally come to accept it, I get less attached with the material evidences, enough to let them go and just allow the confidence to shine through.

I miss everything about school. I thought a lot about my "what if's" and I relied on regrets in terms of the things I could've done to give me a more impressive academic standing. But you know what? I wouldn't have done my college experience any differently, because it is where I was able to grow as a person. For real.

You might want to know what happened with my old stuff, right? Well, let's just say I wasn't expecting that garbage bag I prepared to be bigger than I hoped for.:)

Childhood Fairytale

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a young girl who believed in fairies, mermaids, unicorns and all that crap the Grimm brothers made us want to think are real. But only thing is, she is NOT a princess, and she is far from being royalty, but she does think that she is more bad-ass than the next Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Princess Jasmine combined. This is not a story of her quest to find her one true love, nor an adventure where she slays the fire-breathing dragon. This is just an entry written according to her fancy, and the young girl, as we speak, is experiencing a very bad case of writer's block and craving for caffeine.

...

Sometimes, even in the most deranged way, having a total black out can be a blessing in disguise.

Around this time last night, my brother Patrick and myself were bored to death. For something to do, we talked about and looked back on our younger years. If there's something anyone needs to know about me and my siblings' form of past time, it's either we 1.) bicker a lot 2.) throw stuff at each other 3.) ~~cut each other's throats~~ or mercifully, 4.) bond over some junk food, soft drinks and stories that has seen better days.

Since it's just the two of us here in Manila (sad, I know), we recalled all of the funniest and strangest memories we've had while growing up. We talked about the shows we used to love, like Disney Channel, Little Lulu and The Simpsons, among others. Here's one fun fact: our dad didn't let us watch The Simpsons when we were younger because according to him, it contained vile language and visuals and dealt with adult content. But like any other children who preferred watching stuff our parents told us not to, we went behind his back and was glued to every episode of the most hilarious family on animated TV back in the day. You would find it interesting that my little brother and sister, ages twelve and nine respectively, are also regular viewers of The Simpsons these days. But daddy never says anything. WEIRD. And I thought we used to be the more mature youngsters.

Anyway, I told my brother Patrick my observation on the kinds of shows that Disney, Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon air these days. I said it seemed like they have lost their spunk and they show nothing but crap for the past two years. And my brother said, that maybe it's not the programs per se, but my lack of interest for anything that caters to 16 year olds and below. And maybe he is right. My interests have drastically shifted the last time I checked.

The yayas we used to have also became a topic for conversation. We were ranking who among those who have served us did a bad job and those whom we wished became our yaya forever. We had a lot of yayas with whom I wasn't very nice to, but there was a handful I was actually kind with.

I told him that my favorite had been, by far, Ate Aireen, who had been with us for almost a year when I was in fifth grade. She was dear to me because she was very maasikaso and malambing and she treated me very well. And you will be interested to know that she is one hot and sexy yaya, complete with the long flowing hair with highlights and boobs to boot. Of course even as a young girl, I have noticed that every time I'd go out with her on an errand that mum asks her to do, all the young men in our neighborhood would remark suggestive hints at her and she would just clutch my hand tightly on hers and throw bad words at them until they left her alone. She was a sweet yaya, and I remember, when she was still serving our family, she'd always, and I mean always go up to our room at night and give me a nice glass of warm milk and give my hands and feet a massage because she knows I like it after doing all of my homework. I really miss her. I wonder what happened to her after she left us all those years ago? Maybe if I will have the privilege of seeing her in the future, I'd hug her really really tight and thank her for being kind to me when I was a young girl.

My brother and I spent a good portion of the power-less evening just bonding over a candle light, some french fries and childhood reminisces.

When it was actually time to sleep, I couldn't make myself doze off for a while. Looking back at those childhood days of mine made me realize how much I really really wanted to go back as a carefree kid of seven or eight or nine. I used to live a really really sheltered life and the world I lived in usually took care of its own and I didn't have to worry about anything except do well in school and behave properly. Quite unlike the life I live now, I am bound to be responsible for my own actions and I shall be, much to my chagrin, the one who has to ultimately answer to the repercussions of the decisions-slash-mistakes I make now. I have come to accept a long long time ago that we all have to grow up sometime but I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon. I guess I just ran out of "tomorrows", and sadly, I have to face "today".

I feel so bad that I have to live my life the other way around--while I was treated as an adult when I was a child, I find myself being totally irresponsible when everyone seems to expect the best out of me now.

But then again, we do need a little growing up on our part. It might not come anytime soon for me, but I assure you, when I get to that part of my life, I am going to do it flawlessly.

...

And in the end, the little girl who thinks too much about rainbows and sunshine is still living under the radar and very much over-caffeinated. However, she is wishing that you, her dear reader, will hold on to her story and await her next misadventure. Until then, she wills herself to live a storybook happily ever after.

And she fervently hopes that you do, too!:)

Incoherent

Dear Tomorrow and the rest of my unemployed existence,

You can suck it.

Because this girl is in no hurry to get into a love-hate relationship with a job that is yet to be made available for her.

Until then, you can continue screwing my life. That is, if you can still handle how much I screw you back.

I am fighting, and still fighting until you give up on me and decide to be kind to me.

Love,

Chai

...

I woke up today and realized that pressuring myself isn't doing anything to help me out except launch this impossible psychological warfare each and every time I do. But slacking off doesn't do me any good either. So for now, I am taking it easy but not necessarily by being the push over that I am. I do believe that paychecks aren't my thing just yet. For as long as mommy and daddy finances me out of their own free will and selfless generosity, I still think I can suffice for at least the next few months.

But please Lord, if you really are merciful, you'd give me a chance.:D I love you!!!:)

Three Minutes in Heaven

For a non-believer of old flames that can be rekindled, I have sure been proven wrong with that brief but memorable act of yours. I always thought that distance makes the heart forget, and so can the presence of other people in your life that might distract you. But chance sure has a funny way of being able to alter the circumstances, no matter how much I thought I was able to move on.

I have taught myself not to care anymore, and I have considered you a thing of the past; that I can laugh about it now and say “What was I thinking?!” with so much heartfelt conviction, I can be more credible than Obama himself. Yet you do that thing you do which I hate the most—you showed me, even in the slightest possible way, that you are still concerned about me, and those “stupid” thoughts I used to entertain are nothing but legitimate after all, even after all these juvenile years.

I know and I am quite aware that it might mean differently to you than it does to me, yet how I interpret your actions is more important translation in my shallow pool of thoughts. I can honestly be able to tick off in my fingers the number of girls you have showed kindness to, and I think you see me as someone at par with them. Nonetheless, a simple act of thoughtfulness from you, for all intents and purpose, is the number one reason why I used to like you. And in my book, any guy who does an act of goodness to me makes him a complete gentleman—someone who deserves a second chance despite the impossibility of an “us”.

Maybe it would take another two to three years before you will show that kind of valiancy to me again, and I would be doing nothing again but wait—maybe even forget it. But for now, all I can hold on to is that simple memory—a memory of a hundred and eighty seconds in blissful heaven.

Conversations

There always has to be a reason why people can't sleep during the dead of the dawn.

Yes, you got it--writing inspiration.

Of course, I am kidding.

I am still up at around, err, 3.50am July 9th because my body clock is soo ruined, it has a hard time differentiating 4am from 4pm. On most days, I feel like a vampire--but not the Cullen/Twilight kind of vampire. More like, a vampire on caffeine and sugar overload. I'm asleep almost the entire morning and I wake up during the middle of the afternoon. Then all I ever do for the rest of the day is ~~suck blood~~ eat a lot, stalk people in the internet, read these lame Hollywood blogsites, drink coffee, and then when there's nothing else I could do, I find myself wanting to sleep AGAIN three hours later.

Life isn't usually this unexciting for me. I used to do all kinds of stuff when I was bored as I was growing up--I'd pick on my siblings for my own pleasure, I watch the most interesting shows, I'd paint, ~~read people's minds~~...

So what happened to that routine, you ask?

Simple.

I have been confronted with the following:

I live far away from my brothers and sister now, so there's no one to pick on, unless you want to consider the children of our annoying neighbors.
As far as I'm concerned, the last (and the most!) interesting show had been cancelled on air for almost three years now--THE O.C.
And well, I lost passion for painting. My art supplies (which included this ridiculously expensive oil paint and brush set my mom gave me) is already collecting dust at our house in Bicol. Sad but true.

But I have come to realize that there are tons of other hobbies I could always do around the city. After all, the action never stops here. But it's not that kind of action I'm talking about, by the way, if you know what I mean and I'm thinking what I think you're thinking.

Does that make sense?

*takes deep breath*

So what is this post for anyway? I'm sure you weren't expecting such an irrelevant rant, considering the title of this entry.

Like I said earlier, I just wanted to put out my thoughts (albeit utterly random) in words because it would be such a waste if I don't.

Recently, I have this desire to have a meaningful conversation with someone. And when I say meaningful, I just don't mean a conversation between two people with sense. The meaningful conversation I'm looking for lately involves a lot of debate--yet very intellectual--and a talk that would leave a distinct bookmark in my full-of-distractions memory; that even if an entire year has passed, I can still recall (in verbatim!) everything we have discussed.

Among my closest friends, I usually crave for the insight and depth of KAREN.

For some of you who might know her, she and I are completely opposites--as loud and as obnoxious as I am, she is more quiet and tame and polite. But we balance each other out on most occasions, which is a good thing, if you ask me.

We've been friends ever since college began, and we still are, up to this point. And in the many instances that we have been together, around 80% of those times had been dedicated to almost three-hour long talks about life, friends, relationships, dreams, the future...

And for each and every time we talk about the randomest, uncanniest or most serious things, they usually end up being delightfully inspiring and soul-filled.

Now I can't transcribe a specific conversation here, of course, because most of them are just for the two of us to know (haha), but there is one instance when she threw this question at me, and it took me like, 20 minutes to figure out what the answer was.

It was in Fully Booked Gateway, and she, myself and Celine were checking out the store's latest titles after watching Alice in Wonderland with our friend Pacific (who went home early.:p). While Celine and I poured over the likes of Gossip Girl, Chuck Palahniuk and all these other mopey or pre-adolescent books, she was over at the Philosophy/Pyschology section and reading some of the more, er, intellectually stimulating stuff. When I asked her what was that for, she said that she wanted to take up Philosophy (or was it Psychology? I don't remember) blah blah blah. She was even kind enough to read a short paragraph for us that she found interesting. However, Celine and I prove to be such bad friends sometimes. HAHA. While Karen was reading it, at the back of my mind (sorry if you get to read this. HAHA.), I was like, "Yawn." But for a good reason.;)

Then on our way to have some coffee, she suddenly asked,

"Would you rather help out a person you like, or a person you respect?"

For a while, I seriously did not know what to answer. For the first few minutes, I was like, "I dunno, I dunno", because I really had no idea what to answer. But she kept on badgering me to think about it, so while we were walking, I found myself willing my mind to work.

Then an idea came to me. Before I told her what my guess was, I said that it just crossed my mind in passing because I really thought it won't sound that smart anyway. So I said,

"Uhm, I would rather help out the person I like? Because I may respect a person but not necessarily like her?

And to my utter surprise, she said, that it was the answer. And then the out pour of meaningfulness and discourse just free-flowed from there.

You see, the reason why I'm in need of a good conversationalist as of late, is because I have so much on my mind that needs a second opinion. I need to talk to a person who isn't afraid of telling me outright his/her fearless views on my thoughts, and a person who would negate, but not totally contradict me. And I tell you, I am not an easy person to talk to when it comes to stuff that needs more pressing insights.

As for the purpose behind that search for a confidante?--is another story altogether.:)

With that, I feel the sandman. Good night/good morning/good afternoon or whatever time of the day you get to read this!