Help me help you understand what's really going on in your mind right now.

It's bad enough that I, compelled by obligation and the need to have some space to grow, have to live far away from you and miss you everyday and constantly worry about your health, yet I also have to bear this uncalled for burden of not knowing what's going on with you right now--what you want to say, what you want me to hear, what you want me to understand...

I admit, I have never been perfect. I am, or will never be, the person you've always dreamt me to be. But please know that I am only human. I know it's a lame excuse for the pathetic times I could always do something about it, but never made a move to become otherwise, yet perfection is something I have yet to master. I know, that maybe if I were to be reborn over and over again, I'll still have the same flaws...the same shortcomings...and probably the same outlook in life. But please know that you can always make a decision of not wanting to ever have me until you just feel so tired of trying to get rid of me, you'll just let me and not care as much before.

I didn't want to do this. I had no intentions of ever writing something that you could probably read, because I know how you'll take this, and maybe someday when things would hopefully look up, I don't want you to feel as bad as I am feeling right now, because I don't ever want to do anything that could hurt you. And what pains me even more is knowing that I refuse to acknowledge what's actually going on because I'm afraid that if I say it out loud, it's gonna be true.

There's a reason why I won't say this to you out loud, because I know if I do, I won't get past at least the first sentence because all I will ever do is cry. And you will never know what's in my heart right this very moment. Trust me, I'm more coherent this way. And maybe, just maybe, you'll appreciate me more if you get to know it this way.

Prior to writing this, I was thinking about what's wrong. Why you suddenly felt the need to ignore us. And saying it's because you "feel unloved" and we "don't care anymore" is not acceptable.

Haven't we shown you during a million instances before, and told you over a million times over and over again that we think you're the best in the world, and that we'll love you anyway despite of what you may consider as your "parenting flaws"? For us, there is no one that does this job better than you do. Can't you at least hold on to that?

Maybe accepting the fact that we are growing and almost no longer yours to safe keep forever is a contributing factor to your sudden "tampo" for us. While that may be true, don't you know that we are bound to you, and will be yours FOREVER because after all, you are our mother not by chance, but by fate. We will always be a part of you like you have been to us. Isn't that enough comfort for you to be complacent about our admiration, love, respect and honor?

Yes, I am fully aware that the reason might really be me--of how poorly I've been acting lately, or the other faults I have done as a young girl which forcibly makes me face the hard consequences now...

Please know that the choices I make are not any indication of how poorly you thought you have raised me. Eventually, there will come a time when I'll learn the repercussions of these stupid choices, but you have to let me learn on my own, mom. Weren't you the one who told me in that retreat letter you gave me when I was in Senior year in high school that you are giving me my independence everything that went with it--whose company I choose to keep, what crazy shenanigans I wish to get into, and create my own decisions that would help me mold my life.

How different is four years ago from now?

You will never be a failure because what we choose to do with our lives has got nothing to do with the things you weren't able to teach us as we were growing up.

You're a great mother. Yes, you are flawed, yes you may sometimes be too irrational according to our interpretation, but as cliche as this may sound, we know that it's also for our own good. But you know what mom? We wouldn't have it any other way. We'll always choose you over the millions of other mothers in the world.

You're the best. And no matter how much you want to make yourself believe the opposite,

You know that. We have told you that.

Maybe I won't understand it now, but I know someday I will.:(

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