When you are filled with a sadness so consuming, it almost chokes you; sometimes it leads you to believe that there is no other way to escape it but death.

I'm having one of those days again.:(

It's so lonely, knowing that you're life isn't exactly mapping out as you planned it to be, especially when you see how everyone else's lives just seem to prosper and most of them are even undeserved on their part; just merely a by product of sheer luck and circumstances that ultimately lead them to their good fortune; and it's even suckier, knowing that you are well aware that you can't do anything to extricate yourself from this suckfest anytime soon, despite the fact that you have absolutely everything in your power to change what's in front of you.

I know I'm nowhere near coherent right now, but aren't we all when we feel a little out of the shadows of hope and faith?

I used to think that no one really loses their mind from over thinking their tendency to overthink, but I might as well have also believed that there is no such thing as happiness, or the existence of tangible objects like grapefruit. Or hand bags. Cute hand bags.

I have learned a long time ago that the good things do take time before they materialize and take shape to satisfy you, but I seriously doubt anyone could blame me for being just a little bit impatient. Don't I deserve some good fortune in my life right now? Why can't I demand some of the happiness that I so often neglected before?

I know I've been selfish (countless of times, I might (begrudgingly) add), I've been a little ungrateful and just a speck apathetic to everything I have ever received. Maybe this is karma at its best in operation, for all I know. But honestly, you can make me pay later. I want my life back. For once, I don't want to wake up in the morning feeling miserable but out of obligation, I must be totally up and cheer-y the rest of the day, then back to being so so down again at night. I want a life of normalcy where I don't have to pretend I'm okay to put up a front when I just want to crawl inside myself and cry and cry and cry until the tears don't mean anything anymore. I don't want to pretend to laugh and smile, knowing that there's something wrong in my life that can't be mended by mere kind thoughts or words.

I want an escape--an escape to everything familiar and just start out with a clean slate, and meet new people who wouldn't expect the worst from me simply because they have no idea about my past and what I can do that can ultimately hurt others.

Yes, I am in pain. A pain so deep, it would make the angels cry. Not out of hurt, but out of pity. And probably even anguish.

It doesn't even cut it that others may be suffering far worse than I as we speak. I have already spent a considerable amount of time worrying and caring about other people. Isn't it about time that I demand for other people to think about me? What makes my sufferings different from theirs anyway? In this universe, we could never really heal another person's sorrow so we can obliterate it--we either match it with our own, or completely ignore it just so we wouldn't insult the person basking in his/her tender emotions.

Life is already unfair. Why would other people choose to indirectly implicate this sad and horrid fact? Seriously. It's like pouring acid all over a rusted iron fence--like wanting it to crumble into pieces, instead of trying to restore it to something that could be of use in the days to come.

I could write over a million words of remorse and ache and torture, but none of them would ever revoke the repulsive truth of life I have discovered: Sometimes, fantasies don't exist. Most of the time, they're just made up dreams told to young, unsuspecting children to keep them from realizing just how screwed up reality is. Then they grow up. And become pessimist shippers like myself who become guarded all the time.

Disappointments and heartaches are as close as we're ever gonna get to achieving actual and long lasting happiness.

Until then, I'll be living under a rock.