I haven't written anything in here in a long time. Maybe it's because since I've discovered Tumblr (it is the easiest way to blog, after all), I have momentarily forgotten about this small space of mine where I used to write all the things that matter to me. But then again, I have still kept this one because I feel like this is the place where I can write about the more serious stuff going on in my life, since I believe anyone rarely goes here to read my thoughts anyway. Ironic but, even though it's open for everyone to see, it serves more of a private diary to me, the one I can keep locked with a key, the way I used to do as a young girl of twelve.

So I'm back.

I have learned to accept probably just a few short weeks ago, that the only way to really deal (and get over with) your life's drama is to come clean and say it out loud--because the truth will always set you free, won't it? And I have finally come to terms with myself, that the best way to finally get past this stance is for me to be honest and say it like it is, instead of waiting for myself to run out of excuses just so I could make up another blunder of a reason to cover up the previous one.

Here goes:

I think, that the cause of all my hidden grief is due to the fact that I haven't tried hard enough. Hence, here I am, all mopey about how up until this point, I am jobless.

There. I was able to admit it.

Just so you know, this is hard for me to do, because I'm usually the girl who puts up a strong front for everyone. I'm not one to be asking for pity, and I absolutely hate it when people hover especially when I'm going through a rough phase in my life. I guess that's also the main thing that makes it so easy for me to pick on other people and start petty fights. I want the attention to be brought to someone else, so that I won't have to think about my own obstacles too much.

But it's not like I haven't tried. Trust me, I have. If finding the right job was like going to the gym on a regular basis, I would be fifty pounds lighter as we speak. But like those adolescent girls in teen flicks we love so much, no matter how skinny I think I have become, it would never even be remotely close to 'good' enough because someone out there is certainly prettier or skinnier or more awesome than I am. That's the point. It's never enough. And like something my college professor told us, 'It's not the effort that counts. It's the results that do.'

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times my parents have offered to help, as they have always (and I mean always) given me options for career paths I should take, or job vacancies I can apply for, or giving me websites I can check out so it can guide me about what I can do in life. My answer had always been the same. It's a toss up of either 'Thanks. I'll check it out tomorrow' or 'Okay. I will go through it', but I never had. Well, sometimes I did, but most of the time I procrastinated until I totally forget about what they were saying.

I feel so guilty about doing that to my parents because I know they want me to succeed in life. They have told me over and over again that it was alright for me to be out of work, but really, how old can a person get before he/she finally gets fatigued enough to decide it's about time they retire? And like most Filipino children, my dream is to ultimately give them a good life in return, the one where they can just sit out at our front porch and not worry about paying the bills or sending my other siblings to school because I'll be the one to take care of things. What child doesn't want that, right?

So, what, you may ask, am I doing about it?

Well, I don't think you'd be surprised to hear this, but I'll tell you straight off the bat that, I have done absolutely nothing to get out of this piteous predicament.

And maybe that's where the difficulty lies--it is my lack of enthusiasm to reach for what I have always wanted that's keeping me here in the first place.

For most of the past year that I've been out of school, I have enjoyed the freedom. Maybe more so than what is expected. And I've become too attached to just being phase-less that my original spark has flown out of the window completely. Yet, I still know what I want to happen in my life. I do. I still do. All I need is a stepping stone for me to get there, but then we'd go back to nothing because I haven't taken the risk of at least trying to get there.

It's sad that all these people I know are already starting their first week at work when they haven't received their diplomas yet, or getting their pay checks, their promotions and all, and here I am still living off mommy and daddy's money like a useless piece of charity case.

You have absolutely no idea how many effing times I've silently cried about this over the past year. You have no idea what it feels like to have a challenge-less routine every single day while the rest of the world seems like a whole bunch of productive beings who has everything going for them. You have no idea how sad I become every night before I go to bed while I think about what I've done for the day, which is basically nothing but to be, well, a bum. No one knows that I have all these troubled thoughts in my head that seem to overlap all at the same time, wanting to be noticed.

No one knows because, well, I don't tell anyone. And I prefer it that way, 'coz I'd rather suffer on my own than to suck another person in this suck fest. I have come to accept that no one will listen anyway, because everyone but me is busy with their lives, and that troubling them with my lame problems would mean asking them to stop a moment of theirs to hear me out. And that is just beyond me. I don't like taking up other people's time; I don't like it when I become an inconvenience to them.

A few minutes before I started writing this out, I was inhaling a cigarette and summoning all the courage to have a good cry but I found that I couldn't. The tears have dried up. I've poured them all out in those lonely months of solace.

What scares me the most right now, after I'm done with this, I'll probably be in bed thinking again about sad thoughts and I'd be back to square one.