I wish to momentarily suspend the 30 day letter challenge to give way to this unexpected entry that I feel is more appropriate to write, given the circumstances and the timeliness of the situation.

Earlier this evening, I finally decided to clear out my stuff from when I was in college. (Wow. The way I just wrote the last part in that sentence made it seem like I attended college ten years ago, instead of just four months back. lol) I'm not really sure what motivated me to do it, because I've been a sloth since the day after graduation, but as the saying goes, Things happen for a reason and they certainly do, I learned.

I'm have no idea if perhaps I'm the only person who hasn't done that yet, but I figured I couldn't care any less if my friends had gotten rid of their stuff the moment after school ended forever for us.

So there I was, sitting crossed legged on the floor with my trusty mug of coffee as I listened to the raindrops outside my window while I unloaded the wooden magazine rack where I used to dump all my school stuff when I was still studying. I decided to classify my junk into two piles: one for those I shall keep, and the other one that shall head to the garbage.

As I carefully lifted stuff after stuff after stuff, I made sure that I checked what it was. If it were hand outs that I know will still be beneficial in the future, or notebooks or essays and exams I aced, it was going to go under the "keepsakes" pile. While doing this, I also took time in reading what my papers contained and I found myself smiling so many times as I marveled at the things I was able to substantiate, despite having a clear memory of me being a lazy girl and the kind of student who usually put off things for tomorrow when it came to school work.

The most memorable stuff I encountered tonight were mostly from my senior year in college. I remember doing every single script, essay or paper as if it were yesterday. And every time I saw the excellent grades my professors gave me, I made a proud smile even though no one could see me and I never really plan on showing it to anyone, even to my parents; and I silently told myself that everything had been worth it--the sleepless nights, the bags that used to permanently reside under my eyes and the hard work and effort I exerted in every single assignment just so I'd be given extra credit.

I came across tons of school reminders that brought back so much memories to me, that I shed a few unchecked tears while organizing them. Each time I picked up a paper that contained my thoughts made me remember everything that happened during the time we were required to submit that. I recalled doing scripts and papers at 4am when it was due at 8am that day; I remember feeling bad after being at odds with someone in school while typing a particular paper during the dead of the dawn and recalling how heavy my heart had been as I tried my best to finish the homework without tearing up; I find myself going back to those lonely and suffocating hours while I did everything but lose my sanity so I could finish up our Media Law final paper...

And as I saw those moments in retrospect, I realized what a strong person I was back then, to be able to endure all those, because I just sucked everything like the pro I've always been. I'm surprised that I didn't know how strong I was and I'm figuring that out just now, when I'm past all the feeling of weakness. Don't you just love how the Lord operates? When you're in a situation that just feels utterly helpless, there comes a point when suddenly, a small voice says something to you that pushes you to go on even if you don't want to hold on anymore.

I also saw how much I've grown as a person, evident in the progress of my paper's content. If I utilized average words as a Freshman, well, let's just say that my vocabulary got more and more highfalutin as I advanced a year level.

It was very entertaining, what I did a while ago. And seeing my old school stuff made me feel like a student again. But more importantly, I picked up a lot of lessons and realizations at the most random of moments as I decided to clean up my pile.

And maybe, as per past experience, I subconsciously formulated in my mind that I won't get rid off those things first because I wanted to have at least a small reminder of the past that can make me believe I underwent such difficulties so that I can prove to myself that I am more strong willed and determined than I could imagine. And when I finally come to accept it, I get less attached with the material evidences, enough to let them go and just allow the confidence to shine through.

I miss everything about school. I thought a lot about my "what if's" and I relied on regrets in terms of the things I could've done to give me a more impressive academic standing. But you know what? I wouldn't have done my college experience any differently, because it is where I was able to grow as a person. For real.

You might want to know what happened with my old stuff, right? Well, let's just say I wasn't expecting that garbage bag I prepared to be bigger than I hoped for.:)